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curtains drawn;

as I left you sleeping so sound.

8/17/08 09:56 pm

Flipping through the pages.
Of the blues and whites.
In retrospect,
I miss them quite terribly.

A four-foot box, A foot for every year.

8/3/08 12:14 pm - when, all rivers run to the sea.

When all rivers run to the sea.

These few days have marked the (most possibly) toughest week of JC life. The deadlines are madness, and yet we are all running faster than we ever could to meet them. Not to please others, but just to please ourselves and avoid incurring the wrath of the higher-ups. At 17, its amazing how many responsiblities we have. School, academics, cca, family, ourselves, friends. Its a wonder how we can survive 10 weeks of pure hell.

Perhaps it isnt hell at all.

Easier said than done, I'm trying very hard to see these few weeks as a test of my endurance. No camp is ever going to be 10 weeks long and involves that much brain activity, unless you work in the strategic planning unit in the military. I'm at the breakpoint, and any time now, I could just keel over, break down and cry. Then pragmatism and practicality strikes, and I tell myself that being affective about all this is not really going to work. 

Perhaps its just a time,
A time for us to know our limits.

Time and time again, I question my choices. From my subject combinations to the people I hang out with. It always brings me back to where I started: I might not know why i chose such now, but I will, soon enough. At where I am now, I have figured that its no point thinking about why things happen, because, everything happens for a reason be it good or bad. You dont have to be a scholar to know that, thats for sure. Limits, we all have them, and now its a good time (for me at least) to find out where i stand in this semi-terrifying ratrace paperchase.

Life Sucks.

Okay, it does at times and I admit it. I have this friend, who gets really, well, upset in a sense whenever I say that. After much thought over his intentions, I realised that life isnt that sucky after all. (I apologise for the slang and informal-ness) Its just how we view things i guess. Pessimist or Optimist, we all have that choice to make. Its quite funny to think that these few weeks have actually and ironically been quite, happy for me I suppose. With all that work and the deadlines to meet, I wonder why and how I could keep with optimism (ocassionally plunging into pessimism but picking myself up again), then I realised that I actually found a reason to go to school, to wake up at 5am every day, to do all my work. 

Invisible Motivation, 
I think thats what you call it.

These few weeks and counting, have certainly made me think through all my choices, and goals. They might seem unreachable and far too ambitious, but hey, what's life without dreams and something to work for? Perhaps it is a good time to take stock of our life, pick up and look for the missing pieces to fill the voids. At least, I know that deep down inside, I'm trying, trying really hard to do that.

&I know you'd be there,waiting for me.

7/30/08 10:06 pm - Anything and Everything but Mediocrity

I have this friend, one year my junior and she told me this:
"perhaps you are indeed made for great things, anything but mediocrity"

Those few words have stuck by me in the short time I have spent in JC.

So many a time, I feel like giving up all hope because I see no light at the end of the tunnel, and I think back, with the same phrase appearing in my head all the time, as if spurring me on to well, not give up. 7 months, and I have learnt so much, and gained so much from the experience i am currently having now. From time management to sacrifice, I guess I have grown very much. Reflecting on the past, I had suddenly come to the realization of how naive and possibly pretentious I was.

Everything was spoon-fed, and now we are almost on our own. I was afraid yet exciting upon going to JC; didn't really know what to expect at all, in hope of finding new friends and learning new things not just academically. I have to say, these 7 months in JC have really taught me so much more than I could ever learn from a textbook. The people, the environment, the situations we are all placed in. We learn. I learn. And still am.

Then comes handover.
When the baton of leadership is passed on from the last generation to the next.

The weeks before and after receiving my position, morning devotions were all circled around gifts and knowing God's plan. I wouldn't dare say that I am a Christian, but I do believe that there is a God. Its amazing how things just come, and without you knowing, they just bloom right before your eyes. What do I have to give and how can I serve? That was the question I first asked myself when I got my positions. To me, the titles were just words that were names. Indiscrimatory, everyone in a committee has to do an equal amount of work, be it the president or comm member, we have to give give give, to make everything worth the while.

With the sudden onslaught of responsiblities, I asked myself, how am I to cope? Never had I been given such in my life. Talking to my friends, I realised that it was all part of His plan, for me to learn and get out of my comfort zone. Admittedly, things have been crazy, sleeping schedules are madness, but through all this, I learnt that you have to sacrifice your time and energy for the things you love doing and the people you love.[and it doesnt even feel like a sacrifice at all.]

Passion.
Until today, I still dont know what had drawn me to my craft.

It might be the first impression of glamour and stagelights, but the gradual exposure to the art form, made me appreciate backstage work more and more. Without the crew, there'd be no cast. Without the cast, there'd be no need for crew. Needless to say, the unity of elements was what kept me devoted to theatre for a whole 11 years and counting. But really, I can only vaguely remember what drew me to the magic of theatre; when I was a kid, my mum would constantly bring me for childrens' plays and musicals. Perhaps thats what drew me to the stage, the ability to create another world from the living.

History. Probably the world's most boring subject to many. This, I have got no idea what got me hooked. Perhaps it was all the lessons I had since year 9 and the fact that history keeps my logic intact. They saying goes, history repeats itself. Maybe I subconsciously realised that I enjoy reading and analysing. Besides, my journey just started, and I know I gotta make it good.

With that, I end

But in reality, it has only just begun.

7/27/08 03:13 pm

some things, they just never change (:

7/4/08 10:53 pm

Every morning during prayer in school, I feel like as if there someone's trying to speak to me. For a very long time, I've attempted to deny the mere existence of the omnipotent one amongst all of us. Not that I dont believe, its just that sometimes, you tend to stray away from what you believe in to find a presumed better place. I just, needed some one to listen to everything and there He is for me.

I spill my heart, I cry, I just sit there in tears with no words.
Said words are far too cheap.

For one, I could conveniently blame this on my home, the fact that no one really listens, and just plainly dispenses advice without really hearing me out. And when I have said my piece, they pass it off as just one of my random ramblings without really thinking about the implications of whatever I had said.

Words, far too cheap.

Its ridiculous. One would expect to find solace and a semblance of sanity in the comfort of your own home, along with room for catharsis. Clearly, many of us lack that now. I come home, lie on the bed and think, "how have I made used of my day", and the cynic in me just appears and tells me that I suck and that life is in shambles, and that I really should be doing better. People tell me that I am made for greater things, but what exactly are those things? Its no point rushing through life, but I just dont want to be running blindly to somewhere that might be unreachable.

Something tells me that this is just a test.
I'm pretty sure I can get through this.
I know I can.

Its just, how?

i'm just a singer/you're the world.

6/19/08 09:13 pm - Parachutes, my love, could carry us higher.

Okay, the sudden onslaught of posts are due to pre-term exam stress and that my muse is coming back to me.
FUBAR. my term grades, that is.

Had been listening to Jason Mraz tracks today, just to keep happier than usual, am really very stressed over the exams.
Not really showing it. but as the days creep closer and closer, it feels like the O levels.

(Except I never had single paper days in my life)

Screw it, I aint keeping to my plan of staying offline and going into mugging mode ala korean starcraft gamer.
Though I could argue that appearing online is part of starcraft!

It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
It takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

(:

to those who knew me from when I was an ignorant prat in sec one and still reading this journal:
A four foot box, A foot for every year.

6/18/08 08:10 pm - butterfly

perhaps it has come a time that some things
that never did matter,
truly matter more to me now.

I amaze myself at the way I take my academics so seriously now; maybe its because I know that I only have 2 short years in where I am now, and that everything I do will eventually determine my fate after 12 years of formal education. The folks are pretty much assured by the way I am studying now, being less careless with time and all, yet I fear that if my grades start going uphill again, they'd begin to expect more and more from me.

I guess I'll see the product of my supposed hardwork after the terms.
Sigh.

I'm tired.
I want a break.

But that will have to wait.

6/9/08 10:33 pm - when you're far too tired.

It comes a time when you are far too tired to chase your dream any longer.

It struck me the other day; what do I really want in life. And I guess it came as a calling, to perform and to well, help others. Cliche as this may seem, the whole IJ experience has made me more of a servant than anything else. My parents keep on asking me, why on earth do I want to keep on helping people, putting myself to the last? All I can say is that, I just hear the calling to serve and that in its own name, makes me happy. I'm really tired, tired of studying, tired of people nagging at me to deal with certain aspects of my life and all, and sadly, too tired to continue wanting to chase my dreams any longer. 

The only thing that kept me going was the love for my craft, for every little thing I did to help the theatre community, whether it had an impact of not. At 17, I can say that I actually know what passion is. To live, breathe and sacrifice for your art. The mere thought of it scares me, though it only came to my realization that I had been doing it all along, for the past 5 years and counting. I thank God for placing me where I am today, if not for His grace, I don't know what I'd be doing with my life now. For everything that I have been given, I guess there must be a purpose. I used to wonder, why the heck do I have such talents, or of what use are they of to me. It isn't until now that I have realised that theatre, is indeed meant to be shared with everyone.

People ask me why I work so hard to chase my dreams. It's just because, I know I can with all my might, though as small as I may be on the face of this earth, I guess its my dream to be up there, on that stage that really keeps me going through everything. University is just a few more blocks away, and I do have a choice not to go and just stake it out on Broadway but I really just want to keep a promise I made to my grandfather before he passed on. He kept on telling me, "make it to Uni okay?" and that I study not for anyone else, but for myself. From that day, I told myself that I had to find my calling. Thankfully I did, and it brought me this far, to somewhere I wanted to be for a very long time.

I guess that's what keeps me going. I know it isn't good to stay up late and study till wee hours of the night, even after a long long day of theatre and school or to wake up at odd hours just to analyse a script or write poetry and short stories. But I do it, not because I have, but because I want to. 

That's what I call Passion.

2/24/08 08:58 am - "Come-Back", I don't really like that word.

Finally, I've found the time and inspiration to start journal-ing coherent entries again. Really, these few weeks have been busy, but fun and I rarely got a chance to stick my eyes onto the computer screen. Went down to the esplanade library yesterday to look for monologues for voice class.

Local scriptwriters have caught my attention.
Must be because I can relate really well to the issues that they are addressing.

I'm really addicted to KPK 's plays, he addresses several issues in a comedic manner,
[Darn, I wish that man was still alive.]

It's quite amusing though, I was considering on doing a piece that isn't in English. It'd be a fresh new look on things. I mean, sometimes, other languages bring out the emotions in a more vivid manner,right?

Oh yes. I found my Muse.
Its not even in human form.

1/30/08 10:29 pm - Default.

Okay, you know what.
I give up,

Yes. Now.

1/13/08 04:17 pm - & she just needs you, to get away with everything.

to you: I miss you already! come back quick!

Alrighty, so orientation week is long gone. And I really can't be bothered to update that much.
Theatre is basically taking up most of my time now, and so are lectures.
Damn, I love my subject combination :D Math made me feel so, intellectual.

Far too lazy to go on updating. Too busy actually.
And really, everytime I see the computer/internet browser, it immediatey equates to work.

Off to being hardworking
Bye y'all <3

this hiatus is for real.

12/24/07 01:15 am - Nostalgia.

Remember the days we used to play without a care?
Without thinking about the future or at least what would happen next.
Of the many different situations we might face out of our comfort zone.
Leaving it would, probably be the most poignant.

I never thought I would be saying this, but I really do miss the past. Primary school, as much as I have drifted from most of my ex-classmates, I could never seem to forget all the fun we had especially in 5A/6A. Didn't really feel the parting shot then, was probably too young and ignorant and far too excited to get to secondary school. I still remember how I had to fight and pray so hard, just to get to where I wanted. Well, I'm glad to say that I made it there, and survived pretty well.

Shit happens. Really. Now that Sec School has ended, the whole thought of not seeing them next year on the first day just hit me. Call me slow, but I really am just in utter denial. Come 2nd Jan, it'd be a whole new place, and I probably wont see as many familiar faces as that in the past 3 years. Took it all for granted, I realised. I'll miss them. Yes, every single one of them. 4E8 07. And the O Levels made us even closer, from all that dealing with the stress, to spurring each other on especially when we wanted to give up halfway. Thanks for everything (:

To the friends, who stood up for me everytime, without fail.
Cliched as this might seem, we laughed together, cried together.
It really sucks to realise that we wont see each other everyday anymore.

Just as the year ends and the 08 schedule comes in. [Great, I miss them already.] Next year, the place where I wanted to be. Don't really know if this time the fight's gonna be worth it. I still remember wanting to give up, 3 days before auditions. Stupid I was if I had skipped it. Like what Ange said to me, (even though i am not Christian), "Leave it up to God." Shouldn't think so much about it, or how its gonna be like. I guess its pretty true, and probably easier to live. Considering I dont really have to think that much.

&It's all said and done.

12/21/07 12:54 pm - Find a Switch, Turn it On.

The very much coveted Holidays are ENDING.
oh the woe.

Not really, I can't wait for term to start :D
to sammi babe: Like,FINALLY. We are in the same school (:
11 more days till I have to wake up early and get out at 6.30.

This Hiatus was UnCalledfor
Too bad I ran out of ideas during the holidays.
All that towning and slacking has surely made me
LAZIER.

It is a good thought though.
I can forget about slacking next year.

Oh right, can't wait for the 23rd :D

And, I'd probably be halfdead on this site...
That is until chrystal finds something substantial to blog about.

-Be the one who makes me stop and realise (: -
Current Music: Love It When You Call-The Feeling

12/3/07 08:59 am - Long,awaited.

This is be a long hiatus from blogging for me.
Anyhoo,here are some updates of sorts!

231007-Arabian Nights @ ACBR by ACSian Theatre
Met up with sammi babe and jaime at starbucks before the show. Dionel was uh, fashionably late, insisting on have LJS for dinner. Obviously, we over-ruled his suggestion. Joyce appeared later, and I swear the commotion we made, was what a drama outing is always like :D So yes, I miss the drama babes a whole lot [we have to go out yea!] Anyway, sammi darling, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! We'd be in the same campus (: So yes, it was a pretty cool show, with the dancing and all. And technically what we'd be doing next year. 

Oh right. Pictures.

( Pictures From Arabian Nights! )

271007-Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat by SJI Intl.
To the whole cast and crew: FANTASTIQUE JOB (:
I mean, for the first play with less than 3 mths to prepare, it surely is something. I'm really tempted to post some embarassing photos taken during rehearsals but I shall be nice (: It was a really fun time working with them during rehearsals and all, seriously you people crack me up with all the WEIRD or should I say, ECCENTRIC antics.

But yes, keep in touch :D

301007-Love Me,Hate Me,Kill Me Now by RGS GEP.
NAOMI. NAOMI. WE LOVE YOU!
Well,the play made almost no sense to the artistic mind BUT, it was really supercalifragilistically FUNNY. Went for dinner with Victor,Kang,Ely,Celine,Cindy and Victor's friend[Jerrold?] So yes, choosing flowers was fairly perplexing, with Vic deciding on orchids. In the end, it was roses, i know, how conventional. But yes, the way home. Gay walking, Jay walking. I never knew Kang wanted to be Gay so bad! Kave troll would be so happy XD took many candid shots and yes, go to ely's blog for the pics.

Okay, I love OIDC (:

TODAY.
chrys stumbles upon a meme on ely darling's blog.
chrys shall do the meme XD

( The MEME in question. )

And I shall be off to do NOTHING.

11/19/07 09:32 am - Pictures Galore!

Okay, this post is very much delayed.
I'm really far too lazy to actually sit here and WAAAAIT for the photos to be uploaded
But because I am a nice,kind person.
I shall :D

( PICTURES! )


Gotta go!
<3,chrys

11/14/07 09:30 am - & Thank you all so much

For everything.

& to the girls: I really had fun, thanks babes. Have faith (:
& to my parents: Thank you so much for being so supportive and encouraging.
& to my friends: Thanks for all that you people have done.
& to steff: babe, I <3 You.

& you: Thanks (:

Dedication much?
They deserve it.

11/12/07 09:17 am - mmmm-moliere!

Ooh, caught Moliere yesterday (: 
But really, that's secondary.

Today's gonna let me fall in love all over again :D
Alrighty, I need to find something substantial.

To sammi: Coffee tomorrow, babe!
To dionel: Ahh, Tmrw. AHHH. [curses and swears] But I'm sure you'd do superfine.

Anyway, the holidays have been fun fun fun!
Okay, I think I'm starting to sound like Malibu Barbie.

A list of things to do during the Holidaays.
1. Pack my room
2. Rehearsaaaaals :D
3. Hang with the juniors.
4. Partayyye!
5. Seriously? Just take a break.

All that studying has made me a sloth.
Who cares. I, and all the O levellers deserve it anyway.

OKAY. I AWAIT LATER <3!

11/9/07 05:36 pm - Its like Maytag. Only, Better.

LIKEWHOA.

ITS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

HAHAHAHHA.

Okay, back to mindless eating and gaming.

goodbye, and hello to the holidays.

11/6/07 03:52 pm - Tell the world about a girl you once knew.

( Change )

11/3/07 09:51 am - I Love You Ely :D

( MEME! )

11/1/07 04:45 pm - & I bet you don't know how much I miss you

Okay, drama withdrawal symptoms.

Oh fuck.

10/17/07 05:37 pm - You Don't Say.

I amaze myself at the way I get over things and people so quickly.

Maybe they just sway towards insignificance.

I haven't written for a long time.

Maybe I got over that too.

I need to get over you.

Maybe I already have.

I want a break.

Later.


Let him not die/Unless its in my arms.
Let her not see/Unless the truth is in your eyes.

10/16/07 10:48 am - I'm ready! I"m ready!

A new fixture in my room.

A Box that reads. : BYE BYE O LEVELS. HELLO HOLIDAYS.

Thats how prepared I am to throw everything out of my sight after the Os, by the 7th that is.
HA AND I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

-evil laugh-

THAT'S HOW READY I AM. 
7th NOVEMBER. HERE I COME.

This wait, will be over.
SOON (:

( On A More Serious Note. )
Current Music: Smooth Criminal-Alien Ant Farm

10/11/07 05:38 pm - Follow you into the dark.


No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

Yea, and you know I'd do that all for you.

10/9/07 04:33 pm - Unlimited.

KISS ME GOODBYE,I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!

The whole WICKED album is inflitrating my playlist. It dominates like what, 80% of the "recently played" listings in my itunes.The next 20%,Hairspray x)

Okay, this whole mugging thing, is getting no where as of now.

9 days to practicals.
13 days to Os
28 days to the END of Os.
33 days to D-day.

I should be studying, but instead, I am spending most of my time staring blankly into space as my notes hover below my eyes.
Had a study date with stefff last saturday. Spent most of our time doing physics and amath.........and breaking into our song and dance routines to the pseudo-Avenue Q soundtrack.

"Is Nicky like gay?"
"I think its Rod."
"But he sang of his girlfriend."
"Aiyah, fake girlfriend!"

This is called, song discussion. In the POVs of both Kucinta and Maria.

Ooh, I can't wait for grad night.
 Imagine how awkward it'd be. 
[Heck, with stefff and shar as my dates, I'm sure it'd be fun.]
HAHA. that sounded wrong.

More A/Emath coming up!

AND ALL THE BEST FOR Os.
GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH.
WITH YOUR BEST SHOT,DUH!
Current Music: Ladies Choice-Hairspray OST

10/5/07 01:34 pm - Friday, I'm In Love.

That's the only The Cure song I know.

Friday marks the start of the weekend, but seriously. WHAT WEEKEND?!

It's going to be one filled with incessant studying and with 17 days left till D-Day, I think I had better "tie myself to a chair and study for 8 hours a day." If that sounded familiar, well, I'm pretty sure all the 4E8 girls will know who said it (: Okay, so with the Os approaching in less than threee weeks, all the sec4s I know are literally mugging their brains out. 

Juniors. Its YOUR TURN NEXT YEAR.
I can laugh at you while I take my Promos.
-And help you if you need help. I work for food.-

OH YES. IN LESS THAN A MONTH AND A HALF.
THIS TERRIBLE TERRIBLE ORDEAL WILL BE OVER.
temporarily.
Until results day.

My mother is being very nice about money today. 
First she asked me how much i wanted as post-O lvl shopping allowance.
Then, she asked how much I wanted for allowance next year.
Wow. Revelation.much!

Enough with the random ramblings,
This madame had better get back to work!

Current Music: Karma Police-Radiohead

10/4/07 03:37 pm - Bring it.

Because, WE ARE 4E8.



All the best babes ((:

10/3/07 03:54 pm - Bittersweet, it was.

Say goodbye to obligatory school days.,

I really am not supposed to be here, but heck it.
Hiatus ain't working.

The day started out as per normal, except instead of the final lectue on rel.velo, we had a talk on examination procedures, tardiness, grad night  and science practical procedures. I mean, it all seemed SO USUAL, until we got back to G405 and realised that our report books were on the table.

It was obvious, the class seemed much more united for once. Took gazillions of pictures, as if I was never coming back ever again. I kept on telling myself that it wasn't really the end, [and it really isn't, since well, we'd be coming back for classes]. The parting shot was f-f-f-fantastique.Class photos, I still keep them in my "sacred notebook". All the notes my juniors and friends gave me, I still keep them.

Let me quote Bill, " A wise person once said, the friends that you make in secondary school, are truly your friends for life."

The O Levels seem to be a turning point for friendship [and yes, dy/dx=0] Made new friends, lost some, but hey, there was always someone there for me to talk to, it was and still is Stefff, of course.

"STUDY HARD MARIA! I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU." <3 Kucinta.

I shall shamelessly say that I have been saving her ass since sec2. And most recently, the -cough- reflections essay. She, thinks that I am sweet. Far too sweet. I claim that I am, anyway. Okay, I'll miss her much. ITS BEEN FOUR WHOLE YEARS,WOMAN! But hey, we are only as old as we feel!
 
And if the girls from 4E8 ever see this post, thank you all so much for making my experience in IJ a very memorable one. The last two years, and the oh-so-fun class, how good can it get? I really couldnt have asked for more. It just feels like only yesterday that I was starting out the sec4 year! But yea, for all that you girls have taught me, thanks (:

"The world is your oyster, You just gotta find your pearl." -shut up, I know I am SHAMELESS.-

To the juniors, I meant what i said in the previous dedication post okay! All the best for EOYs, and really dont do anything I did last year. Trust me, studying is fucking tiring. Especially when you have to rush for time, and pray that you pass. x)

To Cheryl, my darling: Babe, thanks for EVERYTHING and all those letters (:
                                        Much Love, we so have to hang out after my Os!

And this final quote is to all who are facing problems,be it personal or academic,  just before major exams.

" When you're down and out.
  When you're sad and blue.
  Just leave it to God.
  For God holds our tomorrow,
  And He holds our hands."

Love, shu.

9/16/07 11:31 am

HIATUS

I AM MAKING MY SACRIFICE WORTH THIS WHILE.
SEE YOU IN A LONG LONG WHILE.

SO LONG,SUCKERS. x)

9/12/07 09:22 pm

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Liveliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Dutifulness |||||||||||| 34%
Social Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Sensitivity |||||||||||| 38%
Paranoia ||||||||||||||| 46%
Abstractness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Introversion |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Anxiety |||||||||||| 34%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Independence |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Tension |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com
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